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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jul 12, 2009 12:28:52 GMT
The Cat
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains! to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass Downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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♫anna♫
Global Moderator
Aug 18 2017 - Always In Our Hearts
The Federal Reserve Act is the Betrayal of the American Revolution!
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karma:
Posts: 11,769
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Post by ♫anna♫ on Jul 12, 2009 14:21:06 GMT
It's outlawed in Germany to talk to tram drivers and sometimes bus drivers, when they're driving, because of the distraction factor..Taxi drivers are sometimes a bundle of shot nerves..
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jul 26, 2009 1:06:12 GMT
Adam is talking to God and says:
"Thank you for putting Eve on earth for me, please tell me why you made her skin so smooth"
God: "So that you will want to hold her against you always"
Adam: "Ah, and please tell me why you made her smell so nice?"
God: "So that you will always be drawn near to her"
Adam: "I see, I really appreciate that and don't mean to seem ungrateful but why did you make her so stupid"
God: "That is the easiest one to answer - I did that so that she would love you!"
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jul 26, 2009 1:22:31 GMT
R.E. "Bob" Smith
Back in the early 1960's the most prominent of Texas' oil and cattle barons belonged to the downtown Petroleum Club. It was a prestigious and exclusive place to go for lunch, to make deals, and to meet with other powerful and influential people.
R.E. "Bob" Smith was one of the richest and most powerful with extensive cattle ranching interests and petroleum reserves. Most days he could be seen lunching at the petroleum club. At 6'4" with a trademark white cowboy hat and cigar he was hard to miss. Bob liked to loudly greet people in the club lobby with the expression, "I'm R.E. "Bob" Smith from Texas and everybody knows me."
It happens that there was another Texas millionaire, Clint Murchison, Sr. who also liked to lunch at the Petroleum Club. He'd gotten tired of Bob Smith's loud and boastful ways.
One day when Smith was especially overbearing Murchison ran out of patience. And so he confronted Smith with a scolding and a wager. The conversation went like this:
Murchison: "I'm sick and tired of hearing about how you're R.E. "Bob" Smith from Texas and everone knows you. You're not nearly as important as you think you are and not everyone knows you. I'll wager a million dollars cash that I can name three of the most important people in the world and that they won't all know you."
Smith: "It ain't braggin if it's a fact. I am R.E. "Bob" Smith from Texas and everybody does know me. At least everybody important that is. I'll take your bet."
And so the wager was struck. They worked out the details amicably. Murchison quickly named three of the most important people in the world at that time: President John F. Kenney, the Soviet Premier Nikita Kruschev, and the Pope. Smith confidently offered to use his Lear Jet to visit the three named influential people and settle the bet.
On the appointed day Murchison and Smith boarded the Lear Jet and flew from Houston to Washington DC. The plane landed and taxied to private secure area where President Kennedy and Jackie were waiting to meet the plane. Kennedy exclaimed, "R.E. "Bob" Smith how are you? Good to see you again" as they stepped onto the tarmac.
From there it was on to Moscow where the scene was repeated. Nikita Kruschev was also at the airport to meet the plane and greeted Smith as if he was an old college chum.
Things weren't looking very good from Murchison's point of view. He was glum as the plane flew toward Rome. Just before landing, Smith explained that the Pope was a more private person and would not be at the airport to meet the plane. "In fact, I'm not sure I can even get you into his apartment," exclaimed Smith, "They hardly let anyone in there." Smith then suggested that he might enter the Pope's apartment alone and ask the pope to wave a greeting to Murchison from his balcony. Smith asked if that would suffice and Murchison agreed.
They took a private limo to the Vatican immediately upon landing and Smith entered the Pope's apartment directly. Murchison walked around to the very large plaza from where he could view the top floor balcony attached to the Pope's apartment.
Shortly there was activity on the balcony with attendants arranging furniture and making preparations. The Italians in the plaza began to notice the activity on the balcony and soon a crowd began to form. In what seemed like just a few minutes there was a huge crowd in the plaza, perhaps several thousand people all looking up toward the balcony in anticipation.
At that moment the doors opened and a tall man emerged wearing a white cowboy hat and waving to the crowd. He was followed immediately by a short man wearing flowing silk robes and with what appeared to be a tight fitting scull cap. The crowd began to cheer.
Murchison had to concede that he'd lost his bet. But just to be certain he tapped one of the Italians on the sholder and asked, "Pardon me sir, do you speak English." The Italian answered positively, "Yes, certainly, what can I do for you sir?" To that Murchison asked simply, "Is that really the Pope up there?" And the Italian answered, "I don't know for sure who the short man is but the tall man is R.E. "Bob" Smith from Texas."
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Post by beth on Jul 28, 2009 15:28:32 GMT
A brunette was walking along one day when she saw an ornate brass bottle laying on the ground. She picked it up and, just on a whim, rubbed its side. Sure enough, a genie appeared in a puff of smoke and gave her 3 wishes. "But", he told her, "there IS a catch. Each wish will be granted - one for you and twice that many for every blonde on earth. Not fair, but that's the way it is." The brunette started by wishing for a nice house. "OK," said the Genie, "One nice house for you and 2 for each and every blonde." Then she wished for a gorgeous man to share her house. In an instant that wish was granted as well, with all the blondes getting twice her share. "Now for your last wish", said the Genie, "I am your servant." The brunette said, "Do you see that big stick over there on the ground? Take it and beat me half to death." (problem solved)
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jul 31, 2009 2:24:59 GMT
That reminds me of another Genie joke.
Three guys were marooned on a desert island for several years when a bottle washed ashore. They opened it and a Genie popped out.
The Genie said, "Thank you so much for releasing me from that bottle. Each of you is entitled to a wish. You can have anything you want.
The first guy thought about it and said, "I'm from Boston and I'd like to go back there. I'd like a large penthouse apartment on Newberry Street with plenty of money and the good life." No problem said the Genie. Poof and that guy found himself in his dream pad in Boston.
The next guy said, "I'm from California. I'd like to have a beachfront ranch and vineyard a bit north of Santa Barbara. It should come with a harem of beautiful young women. Poof and the guy found himself in California surrounded by beautiful girls.
The last guy said, "I'm kind of lonely. I miss those other guys. I wish they were back."
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jul 31, 2009 21:30:55 GMT
Dear Tide... I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta' go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Satisfied customer
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Post by beth on Aug 20, 2009 3:33:09 GMT
I have a friend who sends me the occasional joke in email. This is the new one. I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. ‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Aug 26, 2009 0:24:37 GMT
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!' +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?
No, Silly' the blonde said.. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.
So then? I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
+++++++++++++
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Dec 19, 2009 23:03:30 GMT
This is hilarious
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Dec 19, 2009 23:04:15 GMT
This is hilarious
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Feb 2, 2010 17:27:45 GMT
TWENTY DOLLARS FOR SEX
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and, therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
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♫anna♫
Global Moderator
Aug 18 2017 - Always In Our Hearts
The Federal Reserve Act is the Betrayal of the American Revolution!
e x a l t | s m i t e
karma:
Posts: 11,769
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Post by ♫anna♫ on Apr 2, 2010 17:19:51 GMT
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Post by Big Lin on Apr 5, 2010 20:55:02 GMT
Here's one I heard from a friend of ours: (warning - it's a bit on the sick side!)
Two men and a woman get shipwrecked on a desert island. For a while both men do what comes naturally. Then she feels guilty and commits suicide.
Then, for a while, both men do what comes naturally until THEY feel guilty.
'I guess it's time we buried her body,' they agreed.
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♫anna♫
Global Moderator
Aug 18 2017 - Always In Our Hearts
The Federal Reserve Act is the Betrayal of the American Revolution!
e x a l t | s m i t e
karma:
Posts: 11,769
|
Post by ♫anna♫ on Apr 5, 2010 21:16:27 GMT
The Difference Between Heaven and Hell!
In Heaven, the French are the Cooks, the Germans are the Mechanics, the British are the Police, the Italians are the Lovers and the Swiss are the Bankers.[/size] In Hell, the French are the Mechanics, the Germans are the Police, the British are the Cooks, the Italians are the Bankers and the Swiss are the Lovers.[/size] www.wolfescape.com/Humour/Jokes.htm
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Apr 6, 2010 1:45:04 GMT
Good one Anna!
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Post by gg on May 18, 2010 12:25:09 GMT
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2010 6:37:51 GMT
(sent to me by my Texan in law)
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A Story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"
One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maypearl , Texas, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".
Just makes a person proud to live in Texas, don't it.
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Aug 5, 2010 22:32:19 GMT
40 years of marriage...
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me'.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....
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♫anna♫
Global Moderator
Aug 18 2017 - Always In Our Hearts
The Federal Reserve Act is the Betrayal of the American Revolution!
e x a l t | s m i t e
karma:
Posts: 11,769
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Post by ♫anna♫ on Aug 14, 2010 7:11:40 GMT
Chris Rock's cure for Depression! ;D
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