♫anna♫
Global Moderator
Aug 18 2017 - Always In Our Hearts
The Federal Reserve Act is the Betrayal of the American Revolution!
e x a l t | s m i t e
karma:
Posts: 11,769
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Post by ♫anna♫ on Aug 24, 2010 0:01:10 GMT
No! Obama didn't smoke grass on 60 minutes, but still this is funny! ;D
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Post by sadie1263 on Sept 9, 2010 13:58:46 GMT
Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
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♫anna♫
Global Moderator
Aug 18 2017 - Always In Our Hearts
The Federal Reserve Act is the Betrayal of the American Revolution!
e x a l t | s m i t e
karma:
Posts: 11,769
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Post by ♫anna♫ on Jan 17, 2011 5:36:09 GMT
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jan 26, 2011 23:13:16 GMT
Six Truths of Life
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time . . . a physical impossibility. (Scroll Down)
2. All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.
(keep scrolling)
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this, but I am an idiot and I needed company.
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Post by sadie1263 on Feb 16, 2011 18:19:47 GMT
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments..
Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Feb 21, 2011 2:59:14 GMT
After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror...
Remembering the time with Bill Clinton ...
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her...
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed...
And just like that... Her ears fell off...
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Post by Big Lin on Mar 2, 2011 13:46:44 GMT
Essex girl joke
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK, I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions. OK?" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name?" Girl: "Sharon" Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?" Sharon: "Yes" Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Sharon: "Romford, mate."
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Sept 18, 2011 14:30:31 GMT
A Police STOP at 1 AM An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2011 17:53:54 GMT
;D
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Dec 26, 2011 17:38:55 GMT
If this doesn't make you laugh then you need to call the mortician. Enjoy.
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Post by maggie on Dec 27, 2011 23:18:01 GMT
I opened my wardrobe and there was a lion and a witch inside. I said, what you doing in my wardrobe? They said, Narnia business.
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Post by sadie1263 on Dec 29, 2011 15:54:23 GMT
What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa always stops at three Ho's
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Mar 18, 2012 21:39:26 GMT
Marketing Explained One major all-encompassing buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple, easy to understand explanation of that term "Marketing." Well, here it is: 1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. 3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. 4. You see a guy at a party. You straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. 5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. 6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. 7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support. 8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail. 9. You are at a party. This attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's former President Bill Clinton. 10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2012 21:47:24 GMT
Bush Admirer, that is brilliant.
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Apr 1, 2012 13:35:29 GMT
This is guaranteed to make you laugh. Absolutely hilarious. Some people are so gullible. Watch full screen.
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Post by Hunny on May 28, 2012 22:10:41 GMT
How many ways do you know to annoy people? 1 - When you're in a changing room at the mall, yell very loudly: "There isn't any toilet paper in here!" 2 - Next time you go see a movie and there's only one or two people in the theater besides you, sit right next them. 3 - When in a room full of people, stand there switching the light on and off, then say "Ah.. now I get it" 4 - Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 5 - Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 6 - In the elevator, stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 7 - Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 8 - Practice making fax and modem noises. 9 - Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go." 10 - Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. 11 - Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 12 - Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on May 28, 2012 23:39:03 GMT
Those are good Hunny.
My favorite way to annoy people is to do this when I receive an unsolicited telephone sales call.
Hello
I want to tell you about product X, a wonderful opportunity for you.
Damn it! You broke the chain
What's that?
We're having a seance. We had just started communicating with my grandfather in heaven. We were all holding hands in a circle. Your phone call broke the chain when I instinctively answered the phone. Damn, damn damn!! Who knows whether we'll be able to connect with grandfather again, and it's all your fault. What do you have to say for yourself?
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Post by Big Lin on Jun 12, 2012 0:23:09 GMT
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
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Post by sadie1263 on Jun 12, 2012 1:51:03 GMT
oh.....naughty!!!!
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Post by Hunny on Jun 12, 2012 10:01:01 GMT
Aaw, it's not the mailman's fault. he was just delivering a package!
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