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________________________________ issue two - october 2012 _______
This month at BitsAmong the odder revelations we encountered...We learned that cement and fix-a-flat will make your butt bigger
that castration makes men live longer!
We found out junk food is addictive (wait, didn't we already know that?)
This guy already knew it (he drove his car through a window and
tried to skewer the employees because he "gotta' have his KFC")
There was the search for 'Fake forest boy'...
We were told Jesus was married!?
And a woman found out her husband was actually her father!
Stick around folks! Life is strange, and you can read about it all here!
~ We do of course discuss the more serious issues every day. Get in on it! ~
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Member of The Month!Hunny
"Thank you! It's an honor just being here with all of you."
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COMIC QUOTES
~Stephen Wright~I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"
I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s butts to say hello,
why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
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Delusions of A
Hopeful Pessimist
by Sadie1263 The Holidays are coming up. How many of you will have relatives visiting? I love National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. (I just wish Randy Quaid wasn’t actually that crazy now) I think every family has either that person or that family that everyone always dreads. You invite them.....but you always hope they don’t show up or they get another offer or you fight with other family members about who is going to be stuck with them this year.
In my family we always worry about who is going to end up with my crazy Aunt. She’s always been a nut job. I can vaguely remember being at her house when I was little. I can remember looking at the books on her shelves and they were always weird subjects. She would come visit and I remember there was always a lot of stuff missing after she left.....my mother would always make excuses about how she was a single mother and just needed some help....and would act like she asked her about taking the stuff. Months later I would see her kids and one of them would be wearing my favorite shirt I had been searching for......drove me crazy. Then there was the summer that she showed up with her head shaved. She insisted that if she shaved it ten times it would grow out thicker. She was around all summer and I dreaded my friends seeing her. Course it didn’t get better. She discovered a love of Iridology.....studying the iris of the eyes. Which sounded fine until one of my friend’s would be over and she would suddenly have them pinned to a chair and her face about an inch from theirs. They always looked so panicked.....and then I would have to go get my mother and ask her to get her sister off my friend. Then there was the Reike healing........got to be that my friends would ask who was at my house before they would come over.
I can remember a time when we went on a trip and she stayed at our house.....I was, of course, afraid nothing would be left in our house when we got back.....but mostly everything was still there two weeks later. But we had some new things. There were little paper pyramids under every bed, chair and table......ahhhh the Pyramid power stage....that one was kinda fun and she was really good at making those. Thought she should have gone into Origami........but no.....instead she found the power of Mother Earth. She would be outside hugging trees soaking up her power.
Some of my other cousins visited her not too long ago. She decided to paint to represent the different powers of Mother Earth.....one wall was green, another blue, another one red, and another one yellow. I got a good laugh over that and asked what room in the house she had done that way........oh no......it was the outside of the house. Don’t you know the neighbors love her?
She’s in her 70’s now. She called a couple of months ago to tell us she was an official Sun Dancer now. We just hoped it wasn’t naked. I know she is really into crystals now. Also I have managed to keep her from getting my home phone number. She does randomly call my parents at 5 a.m. so they can get up and see some certain sun rise because it is in line with this or that and they should get up and go stand outside with their arms outstretched to receive whatever blessing.....again...we just hope it’s not naked.
So this Thanksgiving or Christmas.......whenever that relative is driving you crazy......consider the fact that Randy Quaid doesn’t have your address.......and neither does my Aunt......._______________________________________________________
NOW YOU KNOW…
Even when you’re “not moving at all”, that patch of Earth’s surface you’re standing
“still” on is traveling at 1,307 miles per hour, as the planet spins on its axis. And the
whole ball itself, which is the Earth, is hurtling around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour.
And the sun – and so us with it- is careening through the Milky Way Galaxy at 480,000
miles per hour, as we orbit the center once every quarter-million years. And while all
this spinning, hurtling, and careening is happening – moving in three different
directions at once - the galaxy itself is ALSO moving, outward, at a velocity
of 7 miles per second. And we don’t even know where we’re going.
And you worry about needing some Dramamine for a boat ride!
Let’s hope we don’t hit anything!
NOW YOU KNOW.
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The cyber-world is filled with people who want to be
a show host, and we're going to look at some.
This is Jenna Marbles. She does this every week...
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Member InterviewsBigLin Tell us about your background online, where you started, what experiences you've had along the way... I first started using the internet about 1998 when I was 20. At first I just used it to find out information. One day in 2003 I was looking for sites on the death penalty and I discovered Deathpenalty.com which was the first message board I ever joined. I became a member under my real name – the ONLY board I’ve ever used that as my username – and at first I fitted in well. It’s an overwhelmingly extreme pro site and as in those days that was how I felt about the death penalty I was a popular member at first. Then I started to have doubts as both antis and more moderate pros persuaded me that NOT all murderers were on an equal footing. PDP is a bit cliquey and if your face doesn’t fit you soon get into trouble. I’ve had to change my display name now because it got to the stage where I got so much flak from extreme antis and ‘fry circus’ pros that it got me down. But it did lead to me becoming friends with two great people who decisively influenced my online life and one of whom has always been a rock on whom I know I can rely. One was Ilene who ran several forums of her own including the wonderful ‘Murder Chat’ and the other was Anna, a dear friend and a thoroughly trusted member of staff on my own forum. As time went on I joined other boards on the same subject and those in turn led me on to forums on a wider range of issues. The one that I loved the best and – along with ‘Murder Chat’ – later ‘Crime Debate’ – decisively influenced the way I tried to set up my own forum – was ‘The Mortal Orchard.’ Forums die for many reasons; Ilene’s were the victims of sabotage and infighting among too many control freak staff. The ‘Orchard’ died because Chris found a girl and fell in love! He was a lovely man and I hope he’s very happy and that his lady knows what a great guy he is!
My experiences have ranged from the appalling – the lowest point was when a staff member on one now defunct board sent me hateful e-mails suggesting that my son should be anally raped and have his skull smashed in with a rock – to the wonderful – I’ve had three proposals of marriage online and lots of fun with lots of great people!
I think overall I’ve learned as much what NOT to do as a board owner as what to DO. Too many of the forum owners I’ve known have either been weak and easily bullied into submission by strong members or control freaks who can’t tolerate dissension. I first tried setting up a yahoo group which is pretty well defunct (it still exists but no one posts and no one seems to visit any more). Then I tried setting up my own forum on Runboards but though it started well suddenly it all went deadly quiet. A year or two later I decided to start ‘Bits’ and hoped I could incorporate the best ideas from the 100 or so boards I belonged to. I found that most of my members – at least during the first year – came from ‘Crime Debate,’ ‘The Mortal Orchard’ and ‘Women’s Hour.’ Sadly all three have since died.
Tell us about your life offline?My most important job is as a mother and wife. I am happily married with a son of 12 and a daughter of 7. They are the light of my life and I adore them totally. My husband and I met when I was a student at university and he was a lecturer (not on my course of study). I was working as a barmaid part-time to get some extra money and he came into the bar where I was working and we both stopped dead in our tracks. I know it sounds amazing but it really WAS love at first sight. Of course I was 18 and he was 38 so there was (and is) an age difference between us. We lived together for the next three years and then got married when I’d finished my degree. Then he gave up his job and we went to live abroad for a bit, teaching English as a foreign language in Turkey and Saudi Arabia. When we got back we lived in London and I persuaded him to start up a business which he did. We buy up cheap and often run-down properties, do them up, let them out and then eventually sell them on at a profit. That’s how we earn our living (well, mainly; we’ve got other sidelines as well.)
Another area of my life is writing – I love to write poetry and I’ve been struggling to write a novel for a while too. I’m also a passionately political person although I’ve never yet found any party that I can agree with and so I’m a perennial floating/swing voter. I also do voluntary work helping young offenders to stay away from a life of crime in future and haven’t had a bad success rate. And I do try to raise the awareness of people about the appalling position of the gypsy community especially in Eastern Europe. I’m half-gypsy myself so it’s a cause dear to my heart.
Describe a perfect day for you. My perfect day is hard to describe because there are so many things in life that give me pleasure. I love the countryside, I love animals (especially cats and horses) so I suppose riding a horse in the countryside would be pretty cool. I do that still though nowhere near as often as I used to because somehow there’s not as much time as there once was.
What's your favorite meal? My favourite meal is curry – I love most types but probably Lamb Jalfrezi or Lamb Karahi are my favourites. And I’m also fond of my whiskey (well, my Dad’s Irish!) and my real ales.
Do you have any hobbies?In terms of DOING things, I guess walking in the countryside, riding, climbing mountains, playing chess and dancing are top of the list (unless you call writing a hobby which I suppose it is!). In terms of things I either don’t do any more or have never done, I’m a sporty person. I still lift weights, do boxing, aikido and karate but I love watching cricket and football (soccer) and a lot of athletic events too even though I haven’t taken part in them for years. I also like listening to music though I can’t play any instruments and I love clothes although I HATE shopping for them – especially if I have to try them on!
If you could be someone in history, who would you be, and why? Difficult to answer; there are so many people that I admire in the past. My heroes are a really mixed bag – Boudicca, Elizabeth I, William of Orange, Gandhi, Mandela, Elizabeth Fry, Hildegarde, Francis of Assisi, Einstein, Newton – a bit of a weird bunch.
The OxYour neck bends to the farmer's yoke
And you plough the farmer's field;
In quiet bondage surely you choke
To be so forced to yield.
Your strength, your manliness, brought low
that we may eat;
And do you somehow know
One day you'll be man's meat?
The ox is harnessed to the human plough,
And pulls to till the earth;
Was it that you might toil and bow
Your mother gave you birth?-Linda Marshall_______________________________________________________________________________
The scientific name for chocolate is Theobronica Canow. It means “food of the gods”.
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Chips' CornerAge old question..I cut the hedges and mowed the lawn today and after doing so, I sat down and had a couple nice cold
beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I've come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman might say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the
other hand, have you ever heard a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
To be fair, on the topic of having babies, it is an
awesome process, as this stunning photography shows:
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Oh, if only all fishing were this easy...
(full the screen, it's amazing footage!)
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Member InterviewsHunny How did you hear about Bits? What brought you here?Well, I built my own board (ferbles.com). I was happy with how I made it, but I wasn't very good at getting members, and I ended up alone, thinking how I missed being at a forum with a friend or two. Lin came along at that point, and I checked out this place.. and just fell into a daily habit of being here. I guess I was looking for a place to belong to.
And what keeps you here?There's a relaxed atmosphere, things for me to do, friends, and I'm enjoying keeping up with current events and writing little essays.
How long have you been on the internet, at forums? Where were you before Bits?I bought my first computer 5 years ago, and I've been on it ever since. I started at Yahoo Answers, where I told jokes, with a lot of life's born comics for contacts. It was great fun. But their problem with lack of moderation got steadily worse, and many of us left.
I then went to Miss Bimbo, which is a game / forum, where you can do so much creatively. There were 500,000 active members there. What a wonderful introduction that was to the global nature of the internet. It seemed endless to explore! Well I tend to be driven and gravitate towards the top -and I had all day to work on things- so I managed to accomplish a lot there. I produced a daily magazine, created a game guide, became a mod, got hired by the site, won a trophy. I worked hard to be somebody.
Miss Bimbo was about creating a virtual life. You start as a total unknown, without any skills or a clue. But you learn, and you establish yourself and build from being a stranger to being liked enough to get that trophy. It's no small thing to win the respect of a portion of a half million people. You really had to work at getting known, having things to be known for, and valuing the positive ways one can behave. (Well, there were some real sods there too, who got their respect by bullying people, but that's another story) (as were the miscreants who thought success meant robbing newcomers). Anyway, in short, you got to create an entire life, virtually (although much of it wasn't virtual at all, because you were dealing with real people). You'd build a great wardrobe, a home, profession, friends, social standing, values lessons, all of it. And I loved the experience. I loved Miss Bimbo.
They give you a doll, and you'd buy clothes and dress her. She was actually you, in the game. You'd compete with others fashion-wise, build a home and furnish it (there's a trophy for that too), and learn graphics and photoshop and oh too many things to list that you can get up to creatively on your profile page. And of course you can go to the forum. I avoided that myself, preferring to just go around helping people who were having trouble getting in because they lacked a little knowledge. So I created tutorials, for "how to" do everything, and I would paste the one they needed on their profile for them. On my profile, I started my first magazine. Daily I would advertise it, while going around helping this way. It took off like a rocket, though it was a lot of work to produce a new issue every day!
I started little side projects here and there, like helping the Brazilian players find each other, because they don't speak English and need each other, to not be alone, unable to communicate. I also found other magazines being published at the forum, some succeeding, some flagging. I realized an Association would make them all stronger from sharing the resources they all had. So I went around, bringing them together, and making such things as a live list of people looking for jobs, and people looking for workers. (The girls took being a magazine employee seriously. I guess they thought it would lead to doing it for real in life down the road. You know when you've got a community that size, there's people of every interest and ilk, looking for something in it.)
Well I got to where I'd done everything, basically, and it was time to take what I'd learned and move on. Miss Bimbo had a dreadful problem with harsh moderators which was blowing up at that point anyway. So much so, that the place has virtually died since, after being so big! Well, before it went down, we tried to save it. I went to one of its satellite forums (Bimboland), and there I plotted with a couple ex-admins to actually take the place over, rewrite the rules entirely, and replace every last stinking mod (oh, they were dreadful. They would open your mail, and ban you for speaking. They made so many rules upon rules, they actually managed to prohibit the playing of the very game people had gone there for! The site was hemorrhaging over a thousand members per day at that point. It really was in crisis. So...we tried. We had the owners phone number, and some clout, and we tried. But it didn't work out. The owner stupidly gave control to the leader of the bully clique which had caused all the excessive rule-making that had destroyed the place. I couldn't believe the idiocy, but he did that. So she got in, unbanned all of the clique, they moved back in, and chased virtually everyone else away. So in the end, the "Meanies", as they called themselves, won - but by doing so, there was no one left there! They had destroyed a huge successful forum with their three year effort to get to bully-rule it.
- Rest in peace, in fond memories, Miss Bimbo.
After Bimboland (where I did my second magazine,), and another forum (where i did my third), I got fed up with rules and having anyone above me at all, and I went off to build my own place, which I declared to have no rules. (Well, there was "God" (me..the invisible hand that would throw out a bully in a heartbeat to keep the place safe from that kind of crap starting up). I did yet another magazine there. And each time I did one, I learned how to do it a little better. I've gotten to where I can set one up very quickly now, methodically, on demand. I just know it all backwards by this point, and my desktop is a growing library of materials I'm always collecting for them.
I confess, I've wanted to be a publisher in real life for some years, but when I set out to pursue that goal, in the early 2000's, everything was changing radically- moving from paper to computer. And it was all unknown territory, even to the industry itself. So I had to get a PC and learn it, and that meant some playing! And I pretty much built the life I wanted, at a game site, while I was working on developing some skills. That's what Miss Bimbo was about.
I no longer know that a magazine is what I'd like in life. But I tend to aim high. I still dream of building a site that makes real money from the ad space, because I managed to -for example- conjure up an idea, like lol cats, which went viral, and made a blog go from obscurity to being one of the top two most successful blogs on the internet. (Actually the guy who owns that site didn't invent the lol cat, he just saw a trend and started a site to host it. He kept his eyes open. Sounds like good advice
Please tell us your three favorite things in life (and share a picture?)1 - My absolute best thing I have is my cat, Captain Meow. I'd give up everything before him.
His name comes from a comic strip I've been wanting to draw of a caped, flying superhero cat. I saw such a picture one day, named it, and decided he should also drive a little spaceship (badly of course, because as we all know, cats are notoriously bad drivers), and that he has a habit of doing so stoned - which could only compound the level of attention disorder a cat already has *What's that? A shiny thing? bat...bat, bat*. He inevitably gets pulled over by the space cops (lol, everything in space is called a "space
something"), rolls down the space window and says blithely, "What?"
Okay, maybe i should just draw the foolish thing rather than describe it.
2 - music
3 - laughter
What's the best advice (or lesson) you got along the way?“There is a tide in the affairs of men which - taken at the flood - leads on to fortune.
Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves or lose our ventures.”
That's Shakespeare. It means that in everyone's life, their opportunity will come, and in that moment you must seize it, and not hesitate to question it, or the moment will be lost. And you will have missed what is yours. You must be ready. -to grab the opportunity that will lead to your own future, when it presents itself. So keep your dream in your heart. And work hard for what you want. Today. And be ready. Because it will happen.
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A Serious Matter
by HunnyDriverless Cars!
That's right. We don't get any flying cars after all,
but we do get cars that drive themselves, instead!
A bill to bring driverless cars to roads in California has been signed. Governor Brown backed the legislation, and said: "Today we're looking at science-fiction becoming reality". The bill was signed at the headquarters of Google, which has been testing a fleet of 12 autonomous computer-controlled vehicles for several years. Google co-founder Sergey Brin said self-driving cars will be "far safer" than those driven by humans. Other manufacturers, including Audi, Ford and Volvo have also been experimenting with the technology. The vehicles are expected to be commercially available within the decade. They'll do all your driving for you, though a licensed driver
will still be required to sit behind the wheel, in order to provide back-up in an emergency.
What will a world of driverless cars be like?
SAFER ROADS...More than 1.2 million people die every year in road crashes. And 50 million are injured. In the US, driver error - weaving out of the lane, drunk driving and distracted driving - is a factor in at least 60% of fatal crashes. But your automated car won't be sitting around getting distracted, making a phone call, looking at something it shouldn't be looking at or simply not keeping track of things. It won't be looking down to change the radio and looking up and noticing all the cars have stopped. And Google's car adheres strictly to the speed limit and follows the rules of the road. When the car is on self-driving mode, it doesn't speed, it doesn't cut you off, it doesn't tailgate. And these cars communicate with one another, allowing them to negotiate lane changes and passing.
A MORE PRODUCTIVE COMMUTE... You'll be able to do other things while you're traveling.
FEWER TRAFFIC JAMS...Traffic usually slows as the volume of cars on a road increases, because drivers slow their speed to accommodate the narrowed distance from the car ahead of them. But autonomous vehicles, especially if they can communicate with each other, could in theory drive nearly bumper to bumper at high speed. You could get a lot more people moved at a higher speed on an existing road way. Congestion would be something you could tell your grandchildren about, once upon a time.
BUT MORE CARS...Americans have been driving less for a number of years, a trend that is especially significant among young people. But driverless cars could extend car ownership to some groups of people previously unable to own a car. It would give mobility to those who might not have mobility today - people with certain disabilities, and those who have become less abled with age for example.
NO MORE DRUNK DRIVERS...When your car can drive you, you have no such problem.
NO MORE SCHOOL RUN...Older children could take the car alone, potentially freeing suburban parents from chauffeuring drudgery. A car could take the children to school early in the morning, then return home on its own to pick up the parents for their commute.
CAR AS PERSONAL TRAIN CARRIAGE... Many Americans already see adventure in long road trips. They might schedule even lengthier journeys if they can relax and rest while the car keeps its eyes on the road.
DESIGNS WILL CHANGE... Google's car is a modified Toyota Prius, but expect the designs to take a new directions. When you get to a technological change, the first thing we do is mimic what people are familiar and comfortable with. But then the changes happen that reflect the new reality. For example, people like to look out the window so we'll keep windows in some shape, but maybe they don't need to be quite the way they are now. If cars aren't going to hit each other, maybe we don't need bumpers. Etc
All I can say in conclusion is I finally lived long enough to see the future happen. Digitization, computers, phones that are like something out of Star Trek, self-driving cars on the way. Pretty cool! When I started out, all we had were rotary telephones, and a black & white TV with a fuzzy picture that would "roll", and mono sound. You had to walk over to it to change the channel, and there were very few. And that's it! That was our technology. You'd have a toaster that actually pops up the toast and think of it as a "modern marvel". My clock had hands that spun around. My stereo played records and made hideous scratchy rumbling noises along with the music. If you weren't there, you probably think I'm making up how bad it was. Well..I just gotta' wonder what a 10 year old now will see for technological advancements in their future. You know what? Flying cars. ;D
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We're having a series of monthly contests, each month a different one. We'll keep score (click) to see who wins overall, months from now. This contest is actually a game. Click here to play!(Don't forget to read the rest of the magazine!)'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Our Bits & Pieces snoop has been watching, and taking pictures of things which happen during the month...*These are actual pictures of American shoppers, at Wal-Mart (yes, they went out of their houses that way). Any resemblance to Bits members is purely coincidental. (em, don't take it seriously, it's all in fun)"Where do they keep the pants? I can never find pants.", says Iamjumbo.We're not sure if she looks like this all the time, but everywhere Hunny went that day, people just seemed to give her whatever she asked for...Trubble's mom has no problem expressing her true feelings.Okay, I'm scared.Anna ponders just how hard it is to find a good bra.This is either Skylark or a very large toddler - not sure which.Em...do you really think you're going to need those condoms, Chief?Be what you is, not what you is not.Those what does this is the happiest lot.-Mr Wizard (from 'Tooter the Turtle')__________________________________________________
Bits & Pieces
CONTRIBUTING STAFF
Big Lin
Sadie1263
Hunny
Chips
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If you have anything you'd like to submit to Bits and Pieces to be printed in next month's issue,
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