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Post by shoe on Jun 15, 2012 13:18:20 GMT
Lard Jasus
A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home.
His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o'ere."
He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."...
Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand. He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"
His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you that gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."
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Post by Hunny on Jun 15, 2012 13:25:47 GMT
Lard Jasus A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o'ere." He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."... Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand. He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?" His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'm a doin'?" His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you that gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."
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Post by shoe on Jun 15, 2012 13:36:10 GMT
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework... 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Post by Hunny on Jun 15, 2012 14:12:00 GMT
Shoe posted a couple jokes today and they disappeared from this list. Check them out, they're funny! --> HERE
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jul 1, 2012 13:23:07 GMT
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are far too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me! I have the Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman replied, “Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!!”
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Post by chips on Jul 19, 2012 19:13:58 GMT
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks, "Tell me, why do youkeep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies, "I'm getting my date drunk."
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Aug 3, 2012 3:00:08 GMT
Best Toast Of The Night John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
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Post by mikemarshall on Nov 29, 2012 21:19:48 GMT
ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila 's Wheels.
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
Sex with an OAP - Saga ! Sex with a transvestite -confused.com !
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 18:36:12 GMT
Ten Irishmen were trying to seduce a German girl but she kept saying 'nein, nein' so one of the blokes left to go down the pub instead!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 18:38:11 GMT
Sex in a lift (elevator) is wrong on so many levels!
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Dec 21, 2012 23:02:00 GMT
DIARY: ALASKA
Dear Diary,
July 12 - Moved to our new home in Alaska. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Cant wait to see snow covering them.
Sept 7 - Alaska is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride today through the mountains and saw two moose. They are truly magnificent. One of Gods greatest creations. This must be paradise. I love it here.
Sept 19 - Moose season is almost over now. Cant imagine anyone would want to kill such a beautiful creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love Alaska.
Oct 28 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps then took turns shoveling off the driveway. Then we had a snowball fight. (I won.) When the snowplow came by, we had to shovel it again. What a beautiful place. I think Ill live here forever.
Nov 5 - More snow last night. I love it! The snow plow came by again. I love it here!
Dec 10 - Minus twenty is not nearly as cold as people think. Had the car towed into the garage to thaw out. Must have an old battery. Took a cab to work.
Dec 18 - More of that white shit fell last night. Ive got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow waits around the corner until I finish shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!
Dec 25 - Merry fucking Christmas! More fucking snow! If I ever get my hands on that fucking son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, Ill rip his fucking testicles off!
Dec 27 - More white shit! Been inside for three days, except for shoveling the driveway every time that snow plow goes through. Cant go anywhere; cars stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of white shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels ten inches is?!
Dec 28 - The FUCKING weatherman was wrong! We got thirty-four inches of that white shit this time. At this rate, it wont melt before summer. The snow plow got stuck today. The bastard came to the door to ask if he could borrow a snow shovel. After I told him Id broken six shovels already, shoveling all the shit out of my driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking skull!
Jan 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back, a stupid, fucking moose ran out in front of my car and I hit him. Did about $3,000 dollars of damage to my car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. I wish the hunters would have killed them all off last September.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. You would NOT believe the paint and window chipping from all the gravel they put on the roads!
May 10 - Moved to California. I cant imagine why anyone in their right mind would want to live in that God-forsaken place of Alaska!!
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jan 2, 2013 15:02:47 GMT
Vet Treats A Bull John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull. Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows, too! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!" "Wow," said the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "He just gave the bull some pills," replied John. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know, but they taste like peppermint."
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Post by mikemarshall on Feb 18, 2013 21:47:32 GMT
Family of man left under car park blames the NHS
The family of a man who lay for more than 500 years beneath a car park in Leicestershire “without once receiving medical attention” is to sue the NHS for negligence. Campaigners have demanded a public enquiry into the death of Richard Plantagenet, who also suffered “centuries of abuse” from historians.
Mr Plantagenet was only 32 when he sustained serious injuries in the Battle of Bosworth Field during the course of his job as king of England. Relatives of the dead man said employers had breached health and safety rules by failing to make clear the dangers of the job, which included regular pitched battles, defending the realm against foreign invasion and putting down rival claims to the throne.
The family also claim Mr Plantagenet, who suffered chronic back problems, was routinely bullied by colleagues about his appearance. A preliminary investigation found that on the day he died Mr Plantagenet had gone into battle with substandard armour offering little protection from the broadsword, longbow and mace.
Government sources argue that Mr Plantagenet was aware that violent death was an occupational hazard. Investigators reserved particular criticism for NHS staff, who failed to spot signs of depression despite Mr Plantagenet’s frequent complaints of a “winter of discontent”. Relatives said that Mr Plantagenet might have survived his injuries had paramedics been quicker to reach the scene. One said: “He just stood there shouting for help, but an ambulance never came. Richard even tried to buy a horse to take him to hospital, but there wasn’t one available at any price.”
A post mortem concluded that cuts were a contributory factor in the death, which was “almost certainly avoidable”.
Robert Francis QC was unavailable for comment
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jun 20, 2013 0:03:00 GMT
MAN OF THE HOUSE A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House". Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. “After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back, and towel me dry, and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. “Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Sept 12, 2013 14:03:21 GMT
Why Ethel Changed Hotels
Ethel, a lonely widow, checked into a hotel on her 70th birthday as a special treat. She sat on the bed and thought to herself, "It's been a long time since I lost my husband, so why don't I call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She picked up the phone book and found a large ad for a man calling himself "Tender Tony" - a very handsome man with many physical skills flexing in the photo. He had amazing muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and the cutest butt. She thought, "what the heck, nobody will ever know. Think I'll give him a call."
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! How does that sound?" "That sounds absolutely fantastic," he replied, "but you need to press 9 first for an outside line."
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Feb 15, 2014 1:25:20 GMT
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully began by saying to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table." The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Mar 9, 2014 14:40:47 GMT
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jun 13, 2015 21:44:37 GMT
How to install a Southern USA Home Security System 1. Buy a pair of large men’s work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine 3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Bubba, Me and Virgil, T-Bone, and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and a gallon of sweet tea. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jul 18, 2015 0:28:12 GMT
Marine Pilot A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Jimmy says, “I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Jimmy’s whore."
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Post by DAS (formerly BushAdmirer) on Jun 3, 2017 13:29:22 GMT
When Can I Use the F Word? (or when is @#$% acceptable?) There are only 11 times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- George Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998 1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President." -- Hillary Clinton, 2016
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